Whether you’re a parent or a teacher at some point you’ll be on the receiving end of that teenage ‘attitude’. It takes many forms but it’s a very specific brand of disdain available only to teenagers (or those stuck in their teenage conditioning).
So, I wanted to take a moment to explore where that attitude comes from, how it can train us during the teenage years and still show up in adulthood, and to ask the question: what type of pillow do you want to be?
Let’s start with developing an understanding of the teenage brain because the neuroscience can tell us a lot about the behaviours and might even lead to a new perspective on how we respond to them.
A bunch of stuff is happening when that teenager pulls a face, snarls at you, or gives you ‘attitude’, but first and foremost it’s worth remembering that it’s all communication. Behaviour is a form of communication and that particular one is just an outward gesture that says, ‘I’m feeling sad, confused, shame, guilt or any other number of unpleasant feelings, but I don’t have the regulation and identification skills yet or the language to share those feelings with words.’ So please don’t take it personally (unless you actually did something to wind them up, in which case you’re kinda on your own 😉 ).
That’s because the part of the brain responsible for communicating, the prefrontal cortex, is in a heavy growth stage – and we all remember how uncomfortable growth spurts can be. Children tend to act irrationally, instinctively, and impulsively because they’re operating from their more primal amygdala (or Chimp, if you’ve ever read The Chimp Paradox? Do. It’s brilliant!). It’s a place in the brain where reactions happen – our drivers. As we get older, those reactive drivers still exist but they get cushioned by our prefrontal cortex (our thinking brain) which has learned some stuff about the world and can make decisions based on logic and experience, rather than just reacting. The important bit to remember is that a teenager’s logical bit (their prefrontal cortex) is still developing and so sometimes it makes mistakes or goes offline, resulting in attitude. This means that despite the body it’s in charge of looking like, sounding like, and trying to behave like a fully functioning adult, it’s worth remembering that the mind isn’t fully developed yet. The computer operating software hasn’t fully loaded and sometimes it’ll revert to earlier versions.
Let’s not pretend that adults themselves are immune to displaying attitude, but we can hope that it happens far less frequently or to the fever demonstrated by some teenagers. In fact, you might have experienced, witnessed, or can at least imagine an office scenario when a colleague gives someone attitude – reverting to what I call, ‘the teenage self’. The prefrontal cortex has gone offline, or the amygdala has been trained to come online at the slightest hint of threat.
So how do we deal with it?
I’ll say it again, behaviour is communication.
When someone shows up in an unpleasant manner, what does that tell us about how they’re feeling? That they feel unpleasant. Simple, right? But being unpleasant takes on many forms itself…
There’s ‘sad and quiet’, there’s ‘explosive and aggressive’ and a whole myriad in between. Sad and quiet seems like a form of behaviour we’re more willing to accept because it’s not directed at anyone. It’s internalised and if we want to, we can ignore it. We can literally shut the door on it – especially when they’re teenagers and the stereotype dictates that they’re allowed to be in their bedroom, isolated and stroppy. The last thing we want to do is try and force social connection (even thought it might be good for them) because consent and autonomy is also an important factor at this age. But we live in a culture where sadness is still a form of weakness, so some people cover that up with confrontation.
We tell ourselves that confronting behaviour needs to be dealt with. The primal part of our adult brain still sees it as a threat and our own amygdala goes into high alert, so if you don’t have the training to bring your prefrontal cortex back online you end up with amygdala meeting amygdala in some Chimpanzee chorus of a shouting, hooting and hollering between you and the teenager. Trouble is, only one of you can realistically explain it was your underdeveloped brain that got the best of you (that’s the teenage excuse, by the way). For the adult, it’s about recognising our own conditioning and learned behaviours.
In the past I’ve definitely used the line, “who do you think you’re talking to?” when a kid has given me grief. When in reality there’s so much more going on for that teenager than for them to consider my ego, and my perception of what I want my status in school to look like. “Who do you think …” The whole point here is that they’re not thinking. Bottom line, I’m supposed to have a fully formed adult brain. They get a pass considering theirs is still pruning and developing.
What I’m not saying is that disrespectful attitudes get to go unchecked. That results in adults who think it’s OK to have an explosion at work because someone finished off the oat milk. We do have a responsibility to hold our boundaries and to model what it looks like to operate from our prefrontal, thinking brain. That’s where the true status as an adult lies, not in the primal clashing of fear-and-reaction.
Which pillow do you want to be?
The choice that we all get to make is to be intentional with how we show up. What that intention looks like is different from person to person.
I get to say to myself, ‘I’m not meeting this anger with more frustration. I’m going to hold my space (compassionately, open, with understanding)”. I get to take a breath and to ask myself if I want to rise to it in that moment? Do I want to use my pillow to cushion the blow, absorb the impact and shake it off, or do I want to block the blow with my pillow, then pull it back and deliver my own, thus starting a pillow fight?
Block and fire
What tends to happen is we lift our pillow to shield us from the onslaught then redirect that energy straight back at the young person and swing the pillow back at them. Feel free to pause for moment and just imagine the situation if you need to. There’s no judgement here. Teenagers are tough.
“I hate you!” Says the stroppy teenager. “Well you ain’t no sunshine picnic either!” Block and fire! It’s a pillow fight.
“Eugh,” comes the young person with a face like thunder. “Cute snarl. The wind might change and keep your face that way,” sarcastically replies the tired and witty adult. Block and fire! Pillow fight.
You get the idea. There’s not much loving kindness in there and if anything, we’re just repeating the cycles of the way we were brought up so why expect the teenager to reply any differently? We’re the ones with the life experience and knowledge that this behaviour hasn’t led to joy and harmony in the past, so it’s our responsibility to recognise where those conditioned responses have come from and to change the record.
Absorb the blow
Absorbing the blow used to mean to me that I was giving away some of my status. I was being a pushover, and as a teacher that’s the last thing I needed my explosive year 8 and 9s thinking. I thought it was more important to be strict and feared, so there was little space for compassion in the heat of the moment. I’d absorb the blow, dish out a punishment (like a detention) and then show up with some compassion and understanding later. Trouble is, I’d still created a pillow fight by that point and therefore usually lost the opportunity for connection, because my speed to punish had taken away the trust. Whilst I was staying calm in the heat of the moment, I was still delivering a blow by dishing out a punishment or calling the kid back to discuss their disrespectful behaviour. Chances are the kid didn’t mean to explode at me or give me attitude, and the reason I think this is because that behaviour doesn’t actually feel good. If you’ve ever been in the situation yourself, think back to how it felt to be that out of control and unhappy. There are the times when they’re showing off to each other by showing an adult attitude and those moments are all about playing for status. I believe the best thing a logical adult can do in those moments to hold status is to assume status by ignoring it as the childish behaviour it is.
What I get to do now is take a breath and notice how much I want to shout back. I witness that part of me that wants to be in charge, that wants to say, ‘who do you think you’re talking to?’ and internally I smile at her because I know where she comes from and that she just wants to keep me safe. Then I get to say out loud, “that felt quite hurtful,” or “I’m not sure your reaction was called for.” I’m still holding my own boundaries and letting them know I don’t accept that behaviour, but I’m accepting it for what it was. I’m taking it as a blow and just letting them know that I feel the need to protect myself in that moment. When they’ve calmed down we can talk about it and I might even say, “we’re not going to discuss this right now because I know that will be hard” (again, showing my experience as an adult and the type of response I’d like them to emulate) “but when you’re ready to talk about whatever’s going on you know I’m here,” (giving them the expectation that adults reflect on their feelings and find language to share them, together with the reminder that I’ve always got their back).
The point is that you stop seeing the behaviour as a personal attack against you but as an expression of discomfort on the part of the young person. Let’s not forget all the hormones running around in there and all the neural pathways developing and creating confusion and internal chaos. Instead, things start to shift, healing happens, self-awareness develops and personal growth is possible (for everyone involved) but someone has to break the cycle, and we’re each responsible for breaking our own cycles.
This is the hard bit, but it starts with catching yourself and taking a breath, and trust me, despite having the best intention it’s still really easy to screw up, because I’ve had more years of practicing maintaining my status and looking after my ego than I have of showing up for people in the way I want to. We all have bad days, we all get put under pressure, we all see personality traits in other people that we clash with because of our own past experiences, conditioning and values. This stuff takes intention, and it takes practice. Take a breath and allow your adult brain and prefrontal cortex to come back online.
Self-awareness, reflection, intentional behaviours, or personal development in general are not necessarily pastimes everyone enjoy or see the value in. When our job and responsibility is the nurture of young people, they are worth considering. Here at Morphise we work with both teachers and teenagers to understand how their self-knowledge impacts in the classroom. Get in touch to find out how our bespoke services can help with building relationships and regulating behaviours, or why not check out the free webinar about how we can best support young people during adolescence.